A Long Boring Car Trip

Longest car trip ever known
Instead of driving, should have flown 
Dad's a wimp about driving fast
He should step harder on the gas
-Still driving 

"Are we there yet?" twenty times
Fifteen minutes reading signs
-Still driving 

Mom said I should take a nap
Can't sleep inside this upright trap
-Still driving 

Stuck my head out in the breeze
Bug in the nostril
Made me sneeze
-Still driving 

Stared at cars and counted trees
Bored to tears
Let's get there, please
-Still driving
-Still driving
-STILL. DRIVING. 

Suddenly the car's gone bonkers
Off the road and spirals upwards
Twisting, jolting, crazy turning
Stomach jumping, knotting, churning
We're flying!

Gripping seats with whitened knuckles
Barely held down by seat buckles
Not sure if we'll live through this
Seems gravity has been dismissed
-Still flying!

Car dives like a fighter plane
Smacks the road like crashing train
Swerve and steer back in the lane
Laws of physics no longer insane
-No more flying?

Somehow we are still surviving
Now I think I'm glad to be
Still driving

-B.C. Byron
This trip ain’t so boring NOW is it?
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I took many long, boring car trips as a kid. It was simply not realistic, or affordable, to put my whole family of 9 people on a plane. Our cousins and Grandma lived 5 hours away and all our favorite camping and fishing spots were less drive time than that, but those hours really added up when we made 4 or more car trips in a single summer. Back then we didn’t have a dvd player in the van. We didn’t have cell phones either. Some folks had Nintendo Gameboys, but I didn’t. I and my siblings spent most of the time actually looking out the windows, playing 20 questions, and teasing the heck out of each other. There was also no GPS back then, so the trips would often go longer than planned while we took many unplanned excursions searching for our destination, as well as extra stops to look at maps and ask directions. These days it seems like you can take pretty much all of your home entertainment with you in the car and it’s pretty well impossible to get lost. You kids are missing out on all the real fun. On my childhood drives, when I finally got tired of poking my sister in the arm and saying, “quit poking yourself,” I started to look around at the mountains and trees and rock formations. I learned that grasshoppers really hurt when they hit your hand that’s hanging out the window at highway speed. I learned that there are a ton of mile markers on the way to Yellowstone Park. I also learned that it’s difficult to nap with your head against a jostling side window in a station wagon with poor shocks. I was too busy to be cell phone games. I also never had any flying car adventures like the girl in this poem. Thank goodness.

These days, I actually enjoy the quiet thinking time that a long car or plane ride provides. It’s rare as an adult with a full time job and kids to have uninterrupted deep thinks. I even look forward to turning off the radio, dvd player, and other electronics and playing 20 questions with my children. I’ve even enjoyed 15 hour plane rides where I can just eat snacks, take naps, meditate, and read for hours coninuously. I promise you’ll someday learn to cherish long trips with nothing to do. For now, you can practice counting the mile markers and catching bugs from the window and be thankful that your car isn’t shooting up through the clouds, uncontrolled and thrashing about like a fish out of water.

The Manners of a Mushroom

Mushrooms are considerate,
I've never heard one cuss.
I've never heard one raise its voice,
Or make unpleasant fuss.
They'll never interrupt you
when you're trying to make a point.
They won't mock your opinions,
Or get noses out of joint.
Mushrooms are polite
When they're invited to a meal.
They don't protest or grumble
If the food is not ideal.
They make no slurps nor belches,
Nor take more than their share,
No texting during dinner,
Or crumbs left on their chair.
A mushroom never gossips.
A mushroom bever brags.
It's always prim and proper,
And its posture never sags.
It won't push people's buttons,
Or discuss political views.
It never tracks in mud
because its wearing dirty shoes.
A mushroom won't cause messes,
Or leave stinkers in the restroom.
If only everyone
could have the manners of a mushroom.
....................
Mushrooms are inconsiderate.
They don't show appreciation.
They never answer questions
Or share their information.
I've never heard one apologize,
Or try to work things out,
They'll give the silent treatment,
Which is rude beyond a doubt.
Those mushrooms have no manners
When they're at the dinner table.
If you say, "please pass the butter"
They will act like they're unable.
A mushroom never shows respect
By taking off its hat.
A mushroom won't come visit you
And have a friendly chat.
I feel like they are judging me,
So smug beneath their hood.
I wish they'd give encouragement
When I do something good.
Mushrooms are poor citizens,
They don't go out and vote,
They never pay their taxes.
Oh, I hope you're taking notes!
A mushroom leaves the empty roll of T.P.
In the restroom.
Yes, we all could do much better
Than the manners of a mushroom.

-B.C. Byron
It’s what mushrooms DON’T do that shows their manners. I’ve never seen them bow or shake a fist like this.
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This week you get 2 poems with the same title. I first wrote a poem about polite mushrooms and shared it with my 13 year-old. She got the humor of it and immediately had the awesome idea to write the same poem again, but making the opposite argument that mushrooms are impolite. She helped a great deal with writing the second half of this poem. I think it’s a good way to demonstrate a logical fallacy (fancy words for an argument that sounds like it makes sense, but really doesn’t). I’ve seen mushroom-poem arguments in political debates. If you think about it, there’s nothing incorrect in my poems above, but any statement that can be flipped to the opposite and is still true isn’t adding any value to the conversation. It’s good to argue a point from both sides in your head before speaking out. You may catch yourself in a mushroom-poem trap, and even might realize that your opponent actually has a good point worth considering.

This poem also made me realize that sometimes it’s what we DON’T do that shows our moral character more than what we DO do (not to be confused with doo-doo). Are we willing to intervene when someone else is being mistreated, or will we pretend we didn’t see it? It’s not always an easy decision to make and we shouldn’t judge others for they’re failure to act, but we should think carefully about when is the right time to get involved. There are times to be a mushroom and times to take action.