Home of B.C. Byron

Mom didn't like my shaggy hair.
The more it grew,
the more she despaired.
She begged me just to use a comb,
but shaggy was in,
so I left it alone. 

When I went out searching for a job,
Mom worried they'd think I'm a slob.
"You won't get work with scruffy locks."
"You really ought to trim that top."
But what does Mom know?
I got a great job
as a mop.

-B.C. Byron

If you grow your hair shaggy enough, you can always find work as a mop.

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Every generation of teenagers has its own rebellious hairstyles. In the 1980s, mohawks were the pinnacle of naughty hairdos. Shave off both sides, use and entire can of hairspary every morning to hold it up, spray it green and purple, and enjoy the shocked looks as you wander the mall with your rebellious friends. Mullets are an older one that’s coming back into style now. It’s like a limp mohawk for those that can’t afford all the hairspray. The 1990s (when I was a teen) had several bizarre hair conconctions, including wearing a pair of boxer shorts on the head with one leg sewn shut and hair handing out the other leg. Underwear hats wasn’t even the oddest thing in my high school. Why do teenagers insist on making their mothers worry about their sanity? I don’t know, but at least some grungy hairstyles can be useful as we’ve learned from the poem above. This kid is living the sweet life as a janitorial tool. Shaggy hair is good for cleaning floors, wiping noses, clogging sinks, storing snacks, and keeping warm in winter without a coat. Surely there are many careers to be had with that.

Shaggy hair has long been on the list of rebellious hairstyles. I think it all started with Rapunzel, which the movie Tangled represents as a clean-cut singing princess that brushed her hair meticulously every day. The real Rapunzel, however, was just a 16 year old stinker who didn’t like baths and got a kick out of making her parents fret. Sure her hair was long and golden, the parts you could actually see through the grime, but it was also full of dirt, bugs, half-eaten food, and her prized chewed gum collection. In Rapunzel’s time, the favorite teenage rebellion haircuts were things like a braid done starting with right over left instead of left over right, or parting the hair on the wrong side – Shocking to some of the uptight medieval noble parents – but it was just too tame for Rapunzel. She set the new moody teen trend with her quarter-mile long grease trap and it landed her a great job as a tower lookout as a bonus. The town got advanced warning of enemies approaching and didn’t have to smell her hair, she got a good salary along with free room and board.

- Hello. Is this the shelter for animals that make the wrong sounds?

      Mouse: Speak. Speak.

- Yes. I need a…

      Duck: Snack. Snack.

- I don't need a snack. How would I eat a snack through the phone?

      Dog: Fork! Fork!
      Parakeet: Eat. Eat.

- I don't need food! I'm calling to get a pet.

      Owl: What?

- I said, I need a pet!

      Frog: Give-it. Give-it.

- No! I need YOU to give ME a pet!

      Owl: What?

- This is ridiculous!

      Sheep: Maaad.

- Of course I'm mad! You aren't listening to me!

      Rooster: Caught-you-little-poo!

- Who do you think you are?

      Cow: Yoooouuuuu.

- Very funny. I'm hanging up!

      Horse: Yaaaaay!


-B.C. Byron

These animals are wired just a bit wrong, but they still need a home

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Today’s post isn’t really a poem so much as a comic strip, but it just happens to be in my own children’s top 3 favorite of my writings. Every time I pull out the poems, they ask for this one and it gets them in a crazy mood. The Shelter for Confused Animals is also a great way to get the kids whipped up before bedtime. They crawl up the stairs to their rooms making mixed up, rude animal sounds all the way and continue them for the next 20 minutes.

I thought of this poem/story at work while overhearing a phone conversation in a nearby office. The people on the phone were clearly not understanding each other, or choosing not to understand each other, and things escalated quickly. First there was a steady raising of the speaking volume from both callers – up the scale from “maybe they didn’t hear me?” to “they’re going to hear me this time, dangit!” Then there was the exasperated huffing sound followed by a stompy pacing of the office with the headset still attached. Next, the mute button was pressed while the caller near me hit the desk with a fist and spoke a few mouth-wash worthy words before unmuting to shout into the headset again. A few frightened prairie dog heads started poked up over cubicle walls and a couple of office doors slammed shut to keep out the racket. At that time I started chuckling and thinking of a farm full of animals braying, honking, barking and squawking at each other trying to be heard. I wanted to tap the caller and remind them to use use an “inside voice”, but somehow I think that might have made the situation worse.

Speaking of strange animal sounds, it’s fun to think about the sounds we make up to describe what animals say. I’ve yet to hear a dog talk about tree coverings or housetops. The sounds they make aren’t even close to those words. A duck does not say “quack”, not by a long shot. Ducks sound much more like “qckckckqkqkqkc” to me. If you ever come across a bird that looks you in the eye and pronounces in a clear voice, “chirp, chirp, tweet”, you would probably run in terror. Some animal sounds I get, but most of them are pretty poor imitations and it’s no wonder that we can’t communicate with animals when we completely mangle their words. Perhaps they’re having the same issue when trying to talk to us? When a dog growls, maybe it genuinely thinks it’s doing a good impression of a human saying, “hello, my name is Jon”. I don’t know for sure, but I get a much better reaction from a cow when I throw my head back and belt out a real cowlike moan from deep in my gut. It’s usually a bad reaction, but at least I got through. I’m sure the cow that tried to run me over after my insulting bovine speech really thought about it later and probably appreciated that I was actually trying instead of just giving a half-hearted, humanly “moo”.