I put on all the stretchy clothes,
The ones that cost a lot.
I mix up fancy powder drinks,
The kind as thick as snot.
I drive across the town to gym,
The place that has a pool,
Machines I don't know how to use,
And weights for looking cool.
It has a bar for smoothies too,
A sauna and a hot tub,
And fancy towels,
And yoga goats,
A meditation club.

I visualized a thinner me,
And lofty goals were set.
I thought about it very hard,
Which even made me sweat.
I watched their training videos,
I stood on balance balls.
I read their books on getting fit
And posters on the walls.
Been sitting on the treadmill
And I'm buying all this juice,
But somehow I'm still out of shape
With the same-old big caboose.

-B.C. Byron

I have a rule about trying new things. I never buy all the fancy equipment or the best tools for a hobby until I have proven to myself that I’m serious about putting in the work. When I started running about 10 years ago, I ran in my jeans and dress shoes, because that was all I had. I ran around the block 1 time and felt like I was going to die, but I kep at it until I was able to consistently run a full mile in 12 minutes or less. Neighbors and passersby clearly worried about the guy running down their street with work clothes on. I even had a few people slow down, roll down their car window, and ask if I was okay. I suppose they thought I was in pretty serious trouble to be running with shiny dress shoes and a collared polo shirt. Maybe they thought I was running from a crime scene where I was the perpetrator, though no one ever called the cops on me. Regardless of the concerned observers, I showed myself that I could stick with running and make progress. I had earned a pair of actual running shoes, some proper workout shorts, and one of those stretchy shirts that absorbs sweat. It was amazing to feel the difference when I ran in my exercise clothes for the first time. My new shoes weighed about 1/4 as much as the old black, thick-bottomed dress shoes. After that, I worked on earning a treadmill. I committed to run 5 miles in 50 minutes and accomplished it about 6 months later. I’ve used the treadmill regularly for years now and I even wore out one treadmill completely.

Nothing demotivates a person from exercise, or any hobby, more than having a super expensive piece of equipment gathering dust and making them feel guilty about the progress they haven’t made. I’ve found over and over again that proving myself first, then buying the cool equipment, is so much more rewarding and lasting. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve seen get excited about something new and go blow out crazy buying all the best gadgets, spending thousands of dollars, and then selling it all for pennies on the dollar a few years later. They hang on to it for all that time, telling themselves they’re going to “get back into it” as soon as things aren’t so busy or until some other nebulous life milestone. This poem represents my philosophy about starting and keeping goals. I also wanted to poke fun at the weird gyms and yoga studios I’ve seen popping up lately. Wacky corn-kale smoothies and goat buddies make me chuckle. But hey, if those things motivate you and keep you on track with healthy goals, go for it. Just make sure your ready for the time and money investment before you spring for that fancypants, futuristic club membership. No amount of positive thinking, motivational posters, and chugging chunky smoothies will make up for actual sweat-inducing, heart pumping, consistent work.