Billy sucked his thumb so hard
It popped and sprung a leak.
He found out that his body juices
tasted pretty sweet.
Sucked until his feet were empty,
slurped liquid from his legs.
That leaky thumb stayed in his mouth
'til he had drunk the dregs.
His big bum shriveled,
he thinned his middle,
his head deflated to the size of a nickel.
He sucked out all his inside jelly.
Now there's no more Billy.

-B.C. Byron

This poem reminds me of a bad habit I had growing up. I never sucked my thumb as a kid, but I did bite my nails. So I can understand the appeal a little bit. I used to bite my nails down so low that my fingers would bleed. This habit carried on until I was 9 or 10. I would start nibbling a slightly long nail, then I would go a bit too far down. Now I had to chew down all the other nails to match its level. This started a vicious cycle of trying to get all my nails even and the nails got lower and lower until there was nothing left to even get my teeth around. I finally quit biting my nails when my mother offered a Ninja Turtle action figure if I could resist for 6 weeks. Bad habits like nail biting can be hard to break.

But this poem is about thumb suckers. What happens if you go too far with that habit? Well, you are full of kid jelly (which is not good for spreading on toast, by the way). According to the anatomy class in college where I always paid very good attention, this jelly is what keeps your body inflated. Vigorous thumb suckers have been known to rupture thumbs and lose too much of this precious structural goo. This leads to catastrophic deflation and raisin-like shriveling. Quite embarrassing at parties and also dangerous. The only way to recover from this deflated condition is to have an emergency jelly replacement surgery where a tube is stuffed in your nose and synthetic body jelly is piped in. The synthetic body jelly is made from recycled hand sanitizer which is what you will smell like for the rest of your life. If you want to avoid being a sloshy, hand sanitizer scented, thumb popper with a sore nose, please stop sucking your thumbs as soon as possible. I don’t have any ninja turtles toys to offer you but this story should provide enough motivation to quit your digit slobbering.

So once again you have B.C Byron to thank for an important poetic warning and extremely accurate information. This poem is also sure to be a big help for you in college biology class later on. You’re welcome. And thank you for reading.