Got my sweat-absorby mat,
Got my bottom-huggy pants.
Gonna do some yoga,
Like a stretchy slow-mo dance.
Don't need to do a warm up,
Already a yoga pro.
Let's start with the advanced stuff.
Show me every pose.
I'm fine! I'm fine!
"Now combine them all together"
Ow! I've never felt better.
Did all the poses perfectly,
I did them by myself.
The hard part's getting UNposed.
Could I please get some help?
The yoga moves mentioned in this poem are all very real… probably. The crunchy burger is perhaps the most dangerous and feared of all yoga poses. If you’ve seen it performed, you know immediately why it’s call the crunchy burger. Do not try this move without proper training and at least level 15 stretchy pants. Snappy spine, on the other hand is a rather simple pose, despite the terrifying name. My favorite move, though, is not in the poem. That move is called “afternoon nap” and I am quite an expert of the pose. I practice it every Sunday afternoon.
Yoga is good for your health, unless you end up like this poor guy. He got a bit overconfident. Just because you have the supertight stretchy pants and the cool squishy mat, doesn’t mean you’re ready for the advanced moves. Always keep a helper nearby to unfold your body from a yoga knot if needed. You can also run into trouble as an advanced yoga-er (yoganater?). I once watched a yoga master fold himself up and stuff himself into a 9 inch wide plastic box. He was sweating and having trouble breathing, but he did it. Pretty impressive and spooky to watch. He had to have an assistant open the box and unfold him afterward, and he didn’t look exactly comfortable afterward. Even slow motion stretching can be a dangerous sport if you take it too far or get ahead of your abilities.
And now you know the extent of my yoga knowledge. Be careful when trying new sports. I’m off to buy a new sweat-absorby mat. This one is a bit saturated after lending it to a few dozen friends. I really do like these pants, though.