Blurp

A blurp is not a burp.
No.
Surely, it's much worse.
It rushes out of both ends,
Like a vacuum in reverse.
A hiccup, burp, and sneeze, and cough
Come all at once,
The bomb goes off.
Both eyes pop out,
Your head explodes,
And all your body juice unloads.

A snoff is both a cough and sneeze,
It crosses eyes and weakens knees.
A belchy hiccup's called a hurp,
It's slightly worse than any burp,
But watch out for the worst of all -
The catastrophic blurp.


-B.C. Byron

There’s a rumor out there that your eyes will pop out of the sockets if you open your them during a sneeze. There’s another claim that your head will explode from the pressure if you hold a sneeze back completely. I’ve done both of these more than once and I still have my eyes and head in place. It wasn’t thad bad actually and not as hard to do as you’re probably thinking. But what about a hiccup, burp, cough, sneeze, and gas happening all at once? Does the pressure add together or even multiply causing the disturbing scene above? Would your pants blast open at the back and your eyeballs jump from their holes as you’re wracked with bodyquakes from head to foot? I’d really like to know, as long as I don’t have to experience it myself – just as a an observer from a safe distance.

For the sake of furthering science, I’m calling for volunteers to test the blurp theory. The experiment involves chugging soda and eating gassy foods, then corking all the pressure exit points except one nostril (so you can breathe). As a feather is applied to the one open nostril, a de-corking mechanism unblocks the orifices all at once. Easy-peasy. Our test subject will be modestly compensated, of course, and their family will receive all funds in the event that the experiment goes as expected and your head actually does explode. Imagine if you don’t die, though. You’d be sure to get a page in Ripley’s Believe It or Not and a massive number of video views on all social media apps. Fame, fortune, glory, and scientific progress – all thanks to your pioneering bravery. The first blurp in history.

If that sounds too risky, I have some other experiments you could sign up for involving microwaves and porcupines, but that’s a poem for another time.