Unicorns Can’t Cook

Everybody knows
That a unicorn can't cook,
'Cause fingers are required
To hold a recipe book.
Everybody knows
That you don't put hay in cake,
And a pile of grass with oats
Does not a cookie make.
You don't need bits of carrot
In everything you bake,
But unicorn's don't know that,
They're a pet for goodness sake.
Everybody says
That a unicorn's no chef.
In cooking school
An animal
Would surely get an F.
But perhaps you didn't know
That if you practice every day,
A skill can come to anyone,
No matter what they say.
A dedicated unicorn
Worked hard and didn't stray,
Though she fumbled with her hooves
And her horn got in the way.
She learned to crack an egg
By bouncing it off her hips.
She learned to hold a spatula
Between her horsey lips.
She learned to knead a dough
By squishing it on her bottom,
To use flour instead of hay
And spices when she's got 'em.
She learned to be the best
And the flavor really shows it.
Now that unicorn can cook
And everybody knows it.
Oh, everybody tells me
That a unicorn can't cook,
Unless her name is Shimmer
With a famous cooking book.

-B.C. Byron
Kneading dough and using a spatula takes special skill for a unicorn. No hands needed.

This poem comes from the suggestions of a kindergarten class. I’ve been reading my poems and sharing my drawings with the kids at our local gradeschool – kindergarten, first grade, and fourth grade so far. What great audiences these kids were! At the end of each reading, I let the kids offer ideas for my next poem and then I send an email to their teacher when it’s done (usually about 1 week later). A few classes actually invited me back to read the new poems too. I’ll post my other gradeschool-inspired creations in the coming weeks.

I’ve got to hand it to the unicorn in this poem (pun intended), she really went the extra mile to learn a new talent in her own way. It really shows that, while we can’t do literally anything we put our minds to, we can accomplish things that are most important to us with some creativity and dedication. I’ve known so many people like this, doing cool things in a completely new way to get around personal limitations. I’ve known one-handed piano players and drummers, runners with prosthetic legs, a wrestler with a crippled hand, and many others that do things in their own way and defy expectations. If something is important to you and it’s good for you, you’ll find a way to participate in a meaningful capacity, even if that’s just by coaching others that have the abilities.

Coleprosatic-mumpsile-flu

I think I have the Covid,
And a nasty Monkey Flu,
With a little touch of leprosy,
And mumps and measles too.
This horrible contagious mix,
Disease-y viral stew,
Is keeping me from work today,
That's why I'm calling you.

It's rare,
But all the symptoms fit,
Coleprosatic-mumpsile-flu.
I found it on internet,
Where everything is true.
It says that I'll miss work for months,
It says that I'll turn pink,
My fingers can't do typing,
I may struggle just to blink,
My tongue will likely swell up
And be wrinkled like a walnut,
And the only thing that I can eat
is donuts.

So please don't come and check on me,
I wouldn't want you ill.
I can suffer with the TV here
And all this time to kill.
I know how much you want to help.
I know you're going nuts.
Stay away,
But maybe
Send some donuts.

-B.C. Byron
I can’t (cough) make it to work today (cough), but maybe you could send some donuts to my way?

When I was smaller, I always got to look forward to a few things when I stayed home sick from school. First, my Mom would let me have all the lemon-lime soda and jello I wanted. Not that I could keep it down for very long, but it was exciting to be able to have sweet stuff all day, even if it was the only thing I could get myself to eat. The second thing I could look forward to was watching as much TV as I wanted. In those days, we only had 5 channels and none of them showed cartoons until after school time anyway. I slurped my jello and soda and watched 2 hour documentaries about the middle ages or the politics of South America with a barf bowl at my side. If I was feeling well enough by the afternoon, I could hobble over the Nintendo to blow on a game cartridge (we had to do that to make them work) and play video games for a while. It was great to get a day off. By the time I recovered, I had a renewed appreciation for school and actually looked forward to going back.

As an adult, I have much more entertaining things to do when I’m home sick. I have streaming movie services, a pile of books, and a cell phone with infinite downloadable games, but I usually spend the time off napping and worrying about the huge pile-up of work I get to go back to the next day. Thankfully, adults get to take vacation days when they choose (sometimes) when we can relax for real, without a barf bowl. Say, that reminds me – last time I visited my parents I actually saw the old plastic blue barf bowl. It really brought back memories. I should probably call my parents and warn them not to use that for salad or something.