But No Fries

I visited a market
full of foods they freshly grow.
I passed by fruits and vegetables
to search for what I know.
But no fries. 

They took me to a restaurant
with tablecloths and candles.
Had frilly drinks and fine desserts
and cups with tiny handles.
But no fries. 

They sent me on a cruise ship,
there was every dish invented.
A banquet of exotic food
so lavishly presented.
But no fries. 

A meal is not a meal
without the crispy golden spuds.
All the nifty cakes and doodads, 
they just might as well be mud.
A menu's not a menu
without french fries on the list,
and it seems an awful silly thing
that someone could have missed.
So take me somewhere fancy
where the chef can use a fryer.
I'll pay a lot of money
and I'll wear my best attire,
IF they have fries.


-B.C. Byron
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I seem to have a ton of poems about food. I do like french fries, but unlike the kid in this poem I’m actually not at all a picky eater. In fact, I’m known as The Finisher in my family because I’ll try, and finish, almost any food (I have a whole poem about that in my first book). One of my favorite things to do is try out new and exotic foods. If there are strange things on a restaurant menu, I’ll ditch the fries and go for the adventure. This love of experimenting with my taste buds has served me well in my travels. In so many places, foods that are everyday fare can seem downright loopy to a first-time visitor. I’ve tried sea urchin, water buffalo dumplings, pickled everythings, fish heads, acorn jelly, vegetables with names I can’t pronounce, spiky fruits that smelled like gym socks, sweet cheeses, things that looked like cheese but weren’t, and even a live octopus (well, still moving anyway). I survived all this and more, and came to realize in the process that the world has far more variety than I had imagined. I can’t say that I enjoyed every one of these dishes, but I CAN say that I enjoyed the experience each and every time. Eat fearlessly, my friends. You’ll be better for it. And don’t worry, you can always get a side of fries to go with your silk worm larvae. Every country has french fries somewhere nearby.

If you’re wondering where I found all the exciting foods mentioned above, I’ve been to Korea, China, Singapore, and Mexico. I also make a habit of trying new restaurants in my own home city whenever I can. The places I’ve been are also where I found my favorite dishes, not just oddities – kimchi stew, heodduk (a kind of fried cinnamon sugar cake), and sweetcorn ice cream just to name a few. Bread pudding is also something that’s much tastier than it sounds.

A Hedgehog and a Porcupine

A hedgehog met a porcupine
In a creature dating app online.
The relationship was going fine,
So they met up quill-to-quill to dine.
They shared a plate of slugs and bark,
Then took a long walk through the park.
They talked until the sky was dark.
It seemed the two had quite a spark.
The atmosphere of love was thick,
And though the two just seemed to click,
That date got thorny pretty quick,
When thinking he was mighty slick,
The porcupine leaned in to kiss.
He heard a sound,
A ghastly hiss.
His poor deflated hedgehog miss,
Full of holes like cheesy swiss.
    ...His dates all seem to end like this.


-B.C. Byron
How DO porcupines hug? It must be tough living as a ball of spikes.
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After reading this poem to my kids, my youngest daughter remarked that she would never want to be a porcupine because life would be terrible without hugs. I tend to agree and it also made me wonder, how DO porcupines show affection? Turns out that they like to touch noses (very, very carefully I’m sure). Pretty darn cute, actually. There are a good number of other questions I have about the machanics of being a porcupine and I’ll probably go look them up after I finish writing.

Thankfully, the story of the hedgehog and the porcupine doesn’t end with this poem. The porcupine, being a quick thinker, remembered the bicycle pump that he keeps in the back of his car for just these types of situations and leapt into action. He had to try a few different nozzles on the pump, but was eventually able to re-inflate his lovely date. He apologized profusely, feeling quite embarrassed, and the two had good gut-busting laugh about the whole thing. The next day, our porcupine found a good pair of wire cutters at the hardware store and started clipping the ends of his quills once-a-week, a tedious but worthwhile task. Many more dates followed and the couple is still together to this day. Love can be tricky sometimes, but it’s the work you put in that makes it work. “Magic” is nice and effort counts twice when it comes to relationships. Don’t change who you are when you find that special person, just be willing to clip your quills, or your toenails, or chew with your mouth closed, or work at filing down the “poky” parts of your personality. The other person will see your efforts on their behalf and, if they really care, they’ll do the same for you. I’ve been married for 18 years now and I’m still working on some things, but it’s a happy collaboration and I never regret when I go out of my way to do something nice for my wife. Occasionally getting poked by a few (metaphorical) spines won’t change that for either of us.