Yoga Pro

Got my sweat-absorby mat,
Got my bottom-huggy pants.
Gonna do some yoga,
Like a stretchy slow-mo dance.
Don't need to do a warm up,
Already a yoga pro.
Let's start with the advanced stuff.
Show me every pose.

"Lightning head"
"Rising sun"
Uhng! 

"Broken car"
"Falling snow"
Oh! 

"Resting finger"
"Snake attack"
Crack! 

"Crunchy burger"
"Snappy spine"
I'm fine! I'm fine! 

"Now combine them all together"
Ow! I've never felt better. 

Did all the poses perfectly,
I did them by myself.
The hard part's getting UNposed.
Could I please get some help?

-B.C. Byron
The hard part about yoga exercise is not getting into the poses, it’s getting UNposed that’s difficult
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The yoga moves mentioned in this poem are all very real… probably. The crunchy burger is perhaps the most dangerous and feared of all yoga poses. If you’ve seen it performed, you know immediately why it’s call the crunchy burger. Do not try this move without proper training and at least level 15 stretchy pants. Snappy spine, on the other hand is a rather simple pose, despite the terrifying name. My favorite move, though, is not in the poem. That move is called “afternoon nap” and I am quite an expert of the pose. I practice it every Sunday afternoon.

Yoga is good for your health, unless you end up like this poor guy. He got a bit overconfident. Just because you have the supertight stretchy pants and the cool squishy mat, doesn’t mean you’re ready for the advanced moves. Always keep a helper nearby to unfold your body from a yoga knot if needed. You can also run into trouble as an advanced yoga-er (yoganater?). I once watched a yoga master fold himself up and stuff himself into a 9 inch wide plastic box. He was sweating and having trouble breathing, but he did it. Pretty impressive and spooky to watch. He had to have an assistant open the box and unfold him afterward, and he didn’t look exactly comfortable afterward. Even slow motion stretching can be a dangerous sport if you take it too far or get ahead of your abilities.

And now you know the extent of my yoga knowledge. Be careful when trying new sports. I’m off to buy a new sweat-absorby mat. This one is a bit saturated after lending it to a few dozen friends. I really do like these pants, though.

Unnfare (the spelling quiz)

Wen teechur sed wee hav a speling kwiz,
eye thot shee muss bee joken.
Thaat reely iznt fare,
wen shee nose my cumpyooterz broekn.
Sumbuddy shud teller
thaat pensuls ar terrubel spelerz.

-B.C. Byron
Pencils don’t have very good spell check software
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The kid in this poem has some serious spelling issues, but I think a teacher would have a load of fun reading his/her papers. Some people seem to make doing things incorrectly into a special artform. I actually spent a long time getting this spelling test poem just right. It’s difficult to purposely spell every word incorrectly but still make the words easily readable. And, oh boy! The spell check program on my tablet did NOT like this poem! I first tried it on my phone, but autocorrect just wouldn’t have it. You wouldn’t believe the bizarre autocorrected words that came out when I tried to enter this onto a phone. Try misspelling every word in a nursery rhyme on your iphone sometime and enjoy some hilarious nonsense. Technology can be powerful but also obnoxious, especially when trying to do things way outside the norm like most of my poetry tends to be.

Technology can also become a crutch if we aren’t careful. Having a computer correct all our spelling mistakes is bad enough, but I have worked with engineers that let programs do their math for them. Some folks also like to push the “auto-adjust” button on the oscilloscope instead of thinking through what they are about to measure. The math will be correct, but like autocorrect on the phone, it’s not always solving the problem that you intended. Think about it, computers can’t even decide which things are a bicycle or traffic light in a picture without a human to help. Do you really want them calculating the functions for an electric circuit or a bridge without the scrutiny of attentive human beings? Do we really want computers to decide what advertisements we should be seeing on social media? Computer programs are tools that need people to keep them from running amok. Learn how to spell, learn how your calculator works, and tell the algorithms on social apps to stop showing us “one weird old trick”.

Actually, studies show that kids are pretty good at spelling these days in spite of the spell check programs on tablets and phones. That’s encouraging. Keep showing your gadgets who’s boss.