In a Hurry

I forgot to flush in my terrible rush,
I waited until I nearly gushed.
My video game was at level thirty.
So you DO understand my hurry.

Using the bathroom is such a chore.
I wish I could go on the floor.
So I plopped 'em as fast as I could.
A few brownies hit the wood.
It's hard not to miss the toilet a bit
when I barely have time to sit.
And shutting the bathroom door
is time I just can't afford.

Now I'm back at my game.
Hero died, such a shame.
"I have to start over," I griped.
I also kind of,
a little,
just maybe,
completely forgot to wipe.

-B.C. Byron

There’s something about screens, and particularly video games, that can glue us to our seat and make us forget bodily functions. Some people have even forgotten to eat while playing online games and ended up in the hospital. The kid in this poem may be familiar to you. Maybe you too have sat with eyes locked to the computer screen bouncing up and down, shifting your position constantly, trying to hold in that pee (or even number two) until you get to the next save point. Trust me, it’s not worth it. Just let nature take its course with your game character while you take care of nature’s call.

I get it. I like to play video games even now at 39 years old. But no digital reward, new piece of armor, character level, or area unlock is worth soiling your britches. And if your mother calls you to dinner or asks to do a chore, you’ll get real-world points for jumping up right away and saying, “okay, Mom”. Imagine how shocked your parents will be to have a place ahead of your imaginary people in gameland. Video games in this modern computing age are super cool and incredibly engaging. These games will take everything you’re willing to put into them and more. You may find that all of your time for writing gross children’s poems is absorbed and your stomach is empty and the house has fallen apart and your boss is calling…. and what do you have to show for all that? Level thirty. Well, my boss doesn’t care about level thirty. I checked. Your teacher won’t find that to be an impressive excuse either if your homework just has your name on it and nothing else. Video games are awesome, but ya’ gotta have limits.

This poem was originally intended to go into my first book, A Cat Named Lump, but 48 grody poems turned out to be enough to fill 90 pages and we left it out. The picture was drawn by A.P. Van Der Nat (instead of me this time). He did all the illustrations for A Cat Named Lump. Buy the book if you’re into gross and funny stuff, and consider this poem as a bonus round.