Valentine Gift

On Valentine's Day
I gave you my heart.
You vowed,
"with this I'll never part".
Oh, now my head is feeling light,
and standing up
takes all my might.
It might be love that has me so,
Or lack of blood flow,
I don't know.
A heart is such a lovely present,
Why do I feel so unpleasant?
Maybe it is for the best
to put my heart back in my chest.
I hate to be that kind of guy,
but give it back
before I die.

-B.C. Byron
Perhaps you’d like some chocolates instead of my beating heart? It was not my best idea.
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Warning: Taking out your own heart is unsafe. Performing any kind of surgery on yourself is also not covered by most insurance policies.

The scene in this poem must have all happened within 1 minute. That’s about how long a human can live without a heart. That single minute would have to include removing the heart, wrapping it up in a gift box, and the delivery. This guy must move fast.

On Valentine’s Day, I know many of us are pondering the ultimate gesture of love: giving someone your heart. I think we all know what it really means to give your heart away, but what if we took that phrase literally? What if, instead of a cheesy card or a box of chocolates, you presented your significant other with a beating, blood-pumping organ?

Now, let’s explore what might happen if your significant other actually received your heart. The first thing to consider is how the heart would be kept alive outside of your body. The heart requires a constant supply of oxygen and nutrients to keep pumping. Without those things, it would quickly stop functioning. So, if you want to give your heart away, you’ll need to read some medical text books and start tinkering first. You’ll need to make something like a heart-lung bypass machine. These are used during heart surgeries to keep a patient’s blood flowing and oxygenated while the heart is being operated on. It’s not the most romantic image, but you wanted to give someone your heart and that’s how it’s done.

Now that your heart is hooked up to machines and able to survive outside your body, what to do with it? Would your sweetheart keep it in a jar on their nightstand, like a Valentine/Halloween snow globe? Would they put it on a pedestal for display in the living room? Of course, it’s worth considering the emotional impact of giving someone your actual heart. This is a gesture that goes beyond chocolates and roses; it’s a sign of complete and total spooky devotion. If your significant other got your heart as a gift, they might feel overwhelmed by the weight of that devotion, or intimidated by the knowledge that you’ve put so much trust in them. They might even feel just a little bit frightened out of their very wits.

On the other hand, they might be completely thrilled that you went through all that gruesome self-surgery and trouble just for them. And if they’re thrilled by THAT, you know they are not someone you should be falling in love with.

Keep your heart. Go with the card and maybe a video game this Valentine’s Day.

Touch ‘n Go Buffalo

When my family went to Yellowstoney,
I earned myself a broken boney.
I tried to help a buffalozy
By wiping a hanger from its nosey.
A kindness for the dripping beasty,
Expected "thank you" at the leasty.
Instead of showing gratitudey,
It tossed me like some rotten foody.
Now I need a wooden crutchy.
Those buffalo are way too touchy.

-B.C. Byron
This is the thanks I get for trying to help a buffalo
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My family traveled to Yellowstone Park every year when I was a kid. It never got old for me no matter how often we went. My favorite sites were the mudpots, bubbling clay pits in different colors that gurgled and groaned like the cheap hamburgers we had put in my stomach on the way to the park. We must have gone to every corner of that place at least once, and nearly every location had a story about some fool getting injured or worse. People trying to bathe in scalding pools, hanging over railings at the canyon, or falling in geysers while reaching inside them. I couldn’t believe the folks that would get right in the face of a bear, moose, or buffalo with cameras flashing away, risking their life for a picture that could probably be bought on a postcard at the gift shops. Most of the horror stories were about annoyed buffalo running over those click-happy nutters. I even heard one about a person who got mauled by a bear because they didn’t want to give up a couple of Twinkies cakes.

I never did get injured at Yellowstone Park myself, though I did get close enough to buffalo, while in my car, to see that most of them really did need a tissue. Buffalo have extremely drippy noses. Consider this when you’re tempted to take risky snapshots of these monster beasts. If you’re charged by a buffalo for getting in its bubble and actually manage to survive, you will likely be covered in snot. Don’t mess with the buffalo.

This poem came together last year while I was actually at a cabin near Yellowstone with my wife and kids. I was so happy to visit there after about 15 years. It brought back many childhood memories and was even better when shared with my daughters. We even got to see some cute, booger-nosed baby buffalo.