Eyebrow Shopping

On the way back from the dentist,
we’ll be stopping by the eyebrow store.
My doggy licked the old ones off,
I’ve got to buy some more.
It will have to be a used set,
since I've only got a buck.
I would like to make my own brows,
but the grass just won't stay stuck. 

At the shop, I try some thin brows
and some bushy piles of fluff.
I want the stately unibrow,
but my money’s not enough.
I find a pair of long brows
that can cross below the nose.
They form an eyebrow mustache.
Yeah,
I might look good in those.
I passed on braided French brows
and the permanent surprise ones.
I didn’t try the triple stack
or feather, silk, and fur ones.
I ended up not buying brows
because,
to tell the truth,
I don't know why I need them
and I like my forehead smooth.

-B.C. Byron
Second-hand eyebrow shopping. Maybe someday I’ll be able to afford new ones. I wonder who these eyebrows belonged to?
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Whenever my kids complain too loudly about a hurt hand or foot or nose or other body part, I take them to the car and tell them we’re going body part shopping. Strangely, they never seem to want to go. If you’re hand is hurting, why not replace it? Removing the old limb will hurt for a bit, but then you’ve got a fresh one with no more annoying aches and pains. Easy, peasy. People do it all the time with wigs; just shave off the old hair and buy someone else’s used hair to put on your head. I guess my kids aren’t too keen on shopping at a place that has shelves of hands and feet. Really this is just my sarcastic dad way of saying, “suck it up and tough it out”.

I do wonder if we’ll ever be able to buy new body parts from a store. I was watching a documentary the other day about scientists that can grow human organs in laboratories. They grew a human ear on the back of a rat using gene splicing and other techniques. They also were able to grow part of a liver completely from scratch by using special bio-material as a sort of skeleton for the organ cells to grow on. Pretty creepy and pretty cool at the same time. It would be quite a story-topper at parties if you could tell your friends that one of your ears came from the back of a rat. I imagine it would be pricey at first, but if lab grown ears ever become trendy the price will go down quickly. I’m sure there will be off-brand versions that are slightly lower quality but still look stylish, and that’s really what matters.

Thanks for reading my strange poetry and sharing with your friends. I’m off to my appointment at the brow salon. I’m going to have my eyebrows braided and dyed blue. Maybe I’ll stop by the genetic engineering lab on the way home.

The Ballad of Butter Man

Butter Man
Butter Man
Greatest hero in all the land.
Against healthy food he took a stand,
saving us from all that's bland.
Butter seeped from all his pores,
from nose and ears came even more.
Couldn't stop it if you try -
the hero's endless butter supply.

A pound of goodness for every meal.
Soaking in butter adds appeal.
Pour it, drench it, slather and spread.
Fixes so much more than bread.
Butter Man kept us all well fed.

"Help!
It's veggies from a can!
Come and save us, Butter Man!"
Alas, these words you'll hear no more,
for our champion has gone before.
This hero's tale, I weep to utter.
To him we raise a glass of butter.
Though he flavored all the foods we eat,
no amount of butter could defeat
the evil villain Heart Disease.
Butter Man
Oh, Butter Man
may you rest in grease.

-B.C. Byron
Our mighty crusader, Butter Man. He fought bland food with salty grease, but in the end it was his downfall.
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Butter may be among the greatest inventions of humanity. It’s right up there with internet and space travel. Without butter, we would have very few desserts and vegetables would be a lot less delicious, leaving us all vitamin deficient. Well, ranch dressing can solve the vegetable problem in many cases, but it sure couldn’t replace butter in desserts (rand dressing cake batter, anyone?). There have been several attempts to depose butter from it’s throne of awesomeness over the years and all have failed. There was margarine, tasty but not as creamy. Then there was I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. Nice try, but my belief that it isn’t butter has enver been shaken since I first saw and tasted it. What kind of butter lasts forever and always maintains a shiny, plastic sheen. Don’t even get me started on vegan butter. I really don’t know why someone thought we could make butter out of vegans, they don’t have the right consistency. No, butter can’t be replaced.

No one likes butter more than my little sister. When she was little, she was caught more than once huddled over a butter dish in the darkened kitchen, shifty-eyed and nibbling pieces straight from the stick. We had to hide the butter from her for a while. Then, after we thought she had grown out of the butter munching habit, we caught her dipping an entire stick into the sugar jar and eating it like an apple. To this day she claims this never happened, but we all saw it. Honestly, I think the whole family envied her for coming up with the idea of the sugar-butter stick. Think about it. Most dessert recipes start with mashing cubes of butter into sugar until it forms a cream. We only put flower in to hold it together while it bakes in the oven. If it were possible to make a pure butter-sugar slurry into a dessert and have it hold together, I think most people would do it. We’d put some food coloring in and a garnish on top to make it look more complicated, but in the end, butter is what we want for dessert. And now I’m thinking of a lovely idea; why not batter and deep fry butter? Would it hold together in the frying process if encased in the right kind of dough? It’s worth finding out. We could follow it with a round of butter flavored heart medicine.

Rest in peace Butter Man. We’ll have to grease our own food now, but you led the way and we will follow.