Don’t Roll Your Eyes

Don't you roll your eyes at me.
I haven't swept the floor, you see.
They might roll in crumbs or dirt or grease,
Or under the fridge,
Or even worse. 
When you put them back in,
They'll be covered in hair.
Your vision will be severely impaired. 
And if I should catch your eyes rolling there,
I won't roll them back.
I'll keep them as spares.
I like your eye color,
I'll give them a try.
I'll put them in back
so I can't be surprised.
Your eyes should fit in,
they're almost my size. 

Rolling eyes may get stomped as they pass -
what a reward for your eye-rolling sass.
Keep eyes in the sockets
or the cat could get 'em.
He'll think it's a mouse
and I'll just let 'em.
Don't you DARE roll your eyes at me!

-B.C. Byron
Oh, look! Kitty found a ball to play with.
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The eye roll is the ultimate gesture of teenage disapproval. But, as usual, my poem is giving a valuable warning. Eye rolling is a risky practice that can end in tears, or maybe no tears (can empty sockets make tears?). You may be surprised at the statistics on this. So many now eyeless teens who gave in to the desire to non-verbally sass their parents. It’s really not worth the chance of a pet getting one of your peepers.

Besides, eyerolls are far out of the acceptable range for adult social situations. Might as well get rid of this practice now. Adults have to find more subtle and tricky ways to express their feelings when another adult is being unreasonable. I like to use the mute button in a remote meeting and then smack my desk with a fist repeatedly. Another adult version of the eyeroll is euphemisms (things that sound nice but are actually poking fun at something). Beware of phrases like “he’s an interesting character” or “that’s a unique approach”. I’m not saying YOU should do these things, I just want you to know an adult “eyeroll” when you see or hear it. Adult eyerolls carry their own risks, especially when aimed at your boss.

Clean Your Plate

You haven't finished dinner,
Your plate's still there I see.
Now crunch that plate and swallow
If you want dessert from me.
You need to eat your napkin,
Your fork and spoon and cup.
This meal isn't over
'Til you've eaten ALL that stuff.
And once you've eaten fork and plate,
I'd sure appreciate
If someone ate this table too,
Don't let it go to waste.

Now you've eaten properly,
Your tummy's feeling fat…
Hey, slow down!
Don't eat the floor!
...I was saving that.

-B.C. Byron
Clean your plate and eat the table, but leave the floor alone!
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First off, don’t eat glass, wood, or metal. The kid in this poem had fun, but eventually all that stuff had to come out the other end. Dishes and tables DO NOT digest as well as you might expect. They also clog toilets, and a standard plunger just isn’t enough for that job. Let’s just say that this kid and a plumber had a really bad night.

Second thing, it’s okay to leave some food on your plate of you genuinely feel full. Just make sure you aren’t wasting cake or french fries. If you have to eat those first to make sure you get enough sugar and grease, then do it. I always hate to see desserts left on a plate because someone was worried about getting all their vegetables down. You’ve only got so much volume in that food sack behind your bellybutton. Fill it wisely.

This poem reminds me of a person I saw on a TV show called Superhumans who would eat light bulbs, including the metal base. Bet his dad never told him to clean his plate when he was a kid. Might get a trip to the doctor for it. The guy claimed it didn’t hurt, but I couldn’t help wincing as I heard his teeth chomping crunchy glass and scraping on metal. How is eating glass a superpower? You can’t fight crime with a lacerated gut. But the king of clearing his plate would have to be Michel Lotito. This guy ate televisions, bicycles, an entire airplane and tons of other dangerous things. Mr. Lotito actually won an award made of brass for his crazy eating habits. He ate the award too. So I guess this poem is dedicated to Michel Lotito, the plate cleaner.