Soda Addiction

I gotta' have a pick-me-up.
I'm dragging.
By afternoon my withered brain is sagging.
A sugar buzz to fix head fuzz
And bring me back to where I was.
I can't survive without my daily quota.
The only reason I'm alive is soda. 

With sugar I'm a hyper, hoppy rabbit,
So Mother doesn't like my soda habit.
The dentist also thinks I have a problem.
She says my rotten teeth are like a goblin.
But I think they just wanna' drink my pop.
Those fizzy drinks,
I'm never gonna' stop.

-B.C. Byron
Twisty straws + nostrils + veins = optimimum soda intake
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You may not be aware, but soda actually has many hidden health benefits. Those health benefits are hidden deeply under smothering piles of sugar, caffeine, acid, and unnatural dyes. Here are just a few:

  • Softens tough tooth enamel to prevent sore jaws when chewing. It’s like adding a cushion to your bite.
  • Heightens mood swings. Sugar peak to sugar crash, soda helps you enjoy the emotional extremes of each day.
  • Adds calories without making you feel full. This is important for people who are overskinny and have a hard time eating a full second dinner every day.
  • Stops those obnoxious midday shakes. For some reason, my hands shake when I don’t have enough soda.
  • Keeps you hydrated better than water. Ever tried drinking a 64oz water from McDonald’s? It’s not easy. But drinking a 64oz soda and then getting a refill on the way out, no problem. Much easier to get your 8 glasses per day with soda.

In case you’re wondering, my favorite soda is Fentiman’s Curiosity Cola. I get one for Christmas every year. I also like to try a new soda every time I travel internationally. This can be a hit-and-miss experience. Bird nest soda in Singapore and grass jelly soda in Shanghai, won’t try those a second time. Plum flavored soda in Korea, yes please.

Now on a serious note. I really, really, really like soda, but this poem is my reminder to keep the fizzy drinks within reason. I have seen soda hook some people to the point that they drink over 1 gallon per day. That kid with the bendy straws in his arm veins above could be me if I didn’t set some limits. All good things in moderation. And drinking soda through your nose really hurts. Not sure about the straw in the ear. I haven’t tried that yet. Hmmm…

In a Hurry

I forgot to flush in my terrible rush,
I waited until I nearly gushed.
My video game was at level thirty.
So you DO understand my hurry.

Using the bathroom is such a chore.
I wish I could go on the floor.
So I plopped 'em as fast as I could.
A few brownies hit the wood.
It's hard not to miss the toilet a bit
when I barely have time to sit.
And shutting the bathroom door
is time I just can't afford.

Now I'm back at my game.
Hero died, such a shame.
"I have to start over," I griped.
I also kind of,
a little,
just maybe,
completely forgot to wipe.

-B.C. Byron
The video game will wait for you to wipe, okay.
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There’s something about screens, and particularly video games, that can glue us to our seat and make us forget bodily functions. Some people have even forgotten to eat while playing online games and ended up in the hospital. The kid in this poem may be familiar to you. Maybe you too have sat with eyes locked to the computer screen bouncing up and down, shifting your position constantly, trying to hold in that pee (or even number two) until you get to the next save point. Trust me, it’s not worth it. Just let nature take its course with your game character while you take care of nature’s call.

I get it. I like to play video games even now at 39 years old. But no digital reward, new piece of armor, character level, or area unlock is worth soiling your britches. And if your mother calls you to dinner or asks to do a chore, you’ll get real-world points for jumping up right away and saying, “okay, Mom”. Imagine how shocked your parents will be to have a place ahead of your imaginary people in gameland. Video games in this modern computing age are super cool and incredibly engaging. These games will take everything you’re willing to put into them and more. You may find that all of your time for writing gross children’s poems is absorbed and your stomach is empty and the house has fallen apart and your boss is calling…. and what do you have to show for all that? Level thirty. Well, my boss doesn’t care about level thirty. I checked. Your teacher won’t find that to be an impressive excuse either if your homework just has your name on it and nothing else. Video games are awesome, but ya’ gotta have limits.

This poem was originally intended to go into my first book, A Cat Named Lump, but 48 grody poems turned out to be enough to fill 90 pages and we left it out. The picture was drawn by A.P. Van Der Nat (instead of me this time). He did all the illustrations for A Cat Named Lump. Buy the book if you’re into gross and funny stuff, and consider this poem as a bonus round.